RIP

Good-bye blog. I really don't want to use you anymore. I feel like using this to put my thought into perspective isn't working with me anymore. But don't worry, I shall return. I have a baseball season starting soon, so I will start up a new, better blog to document how that is going.

Finally, I can relax. Everything is good again. I don't have to sit up at night, wondering if shes getting any sleep up there. I don't have to wonder if everythings okay when I'm not on the phone with her. Thank god this is over.

D:

I'm still kind of in shock. This is just so hard to accept. I couldn't even focus at all today. That image of seeing what happened is just on replay in my mind. Part me is still so scared to even see her. I don't know if I can compose myself around her while shes like that. Its just an image that feels really brutal to try and stand. I really feel like we're one, cause part of me feels like its in pain, like its taken a hit....by a car.

I kiss my bracelet you made me and look up everytime I do hoping that those kisses make their way to your soul.

I woke up, and it wasn't all a dream...

Like you've got to be fucking kidding me? How does this shit always end up happening to her? I'm still like, in shock that it happened. Sleeping felt like a war last night. Hopefully I do get up and see her later. She needs me, and I need her.

:)

It felt soo good to see her yesterday. I had missed physical contact with her so much, that if felt good to finally hug, and kiss, and hold her again. I really love sitting there with her, laying down and listening to music. Its rather soothing and creates a great mood. Can't wait for next Sunday. Its a great feeling when you look into her eyes and she has that cute smile. Makes you melt inside and make you unable to feel anything but in love.

So today is Superbowl Sunday, supposedly. The only thing super about it to me is that it starts my countdown to Spring Training. The only thing I even care about is that I want the Colts to win, thats really it. I don't care about the hype or the commercials, or anything else. The only thing I care about is sitting there, enjoying the company of my loved one, that girl who can make me melt with just a cute smile.

^ Sorry, that was my venting of frustration and snapping as well. I hope this "talk" does something later...:////

Ugh

I REALLY CAN'T STAND THIS SHIT ANYMORE...I REALLY CAN'T. I'M NOT THE PARENTS. IT SHOULDN'T BE UP TO ME OR HER TO FIND OUT HOW SHE CAN GET HOME. IT ISN'T OUR FAULT THAT THEY HAVE NO MONEY TO SPEND FOR A CAB. I really wish I had my own car...or just lived right next to her. I'm really starting to get upset to the point where eventually you're gonna tell me she cannot come over here unless she has a definite way home beforehand...its just not fair...it really isn't....why me?

I fucking hate life.

All this talks of ISP's this morning for NHS and her dance make me upset. I'm going to have no leverage come time for college. I physically can't even do anything. I can't better my chances in life when I have to be home to watch my brother. And as usual, jealously came out in the form of anger this morning when we were discussing it..

Here is too what hopes to be a good weekend.

Juxtaposing

Things to dooooooooooo:

-Finish up English questions. It isn't due until Friday, but why do it tomorrow?
-5:00: bread chicken cutlets for Laura-Lee so we can eat at a good time.
-GUITAR

Not really much on the mind, except sometimes spending the extra 10-15 minutes on homework to double check that its right isn't that bad.

:\

I hate these days when things are dark like this. But sadly, I just had to say everything I said. I love her too much to see her act like that and feel that way. I just can't wait for the day we're on our own together so none of this matters anymore.

How about this blast from the past: Some days wouldn't be special, if it wasn't for rain. Joy wouldn't feel so good, if it wasn't for pain. Death gotta be easy, cause life is hard. It'll leave you physically, mentally, and emotionally scarred.

:/

I still have that really bad feeling in my stomach that her going away this weekend is going to hurt this relationship. Please, PLEASE, let me be wrong..

The Motto Is...

Forgive and forget...

I can't wait to come home today. I can finally have conversations with you again. I really missed you this weekend. It was like....well, Sunday, it literally was like I was single. I didn't talk to you at all yesterday. What happened :(...

Well, heres to a fresh new week, in a fresh new month, in a fresh new semester.

31

As I successfully complete a ratio of 1 blog post per day for the month, I'm alright now. I've honestly just...rerouted the missing of her to where it doesn't bother me anymore. Its most likely(actually, is) not bothering her, so why should I let it get to me then. We're going to go to get some shopping done soon. In a sense, I've had a very relaxed sort of weekend.

Don't think because of what I just said that I don't miss you..

Sunday

Part of me doesn't even want to talk to her today when and if she calls me. Its just not the same. I feel like I'm not even missed. I don't feel loved and I certainly don't feel cared for. Getting one phone call per day the past two days in which she hasn't really said shes missed me or any of that makes me feel very uncared for. Of course I'll probably feel wrong when she gets home Monday morning to read this, which I'm also probably wrong for feeling that was bullshit.

You're probably sitting there right now eating breakfast or talking to her or something. I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I can do to give you the best Valentine's Day you deserve. Try and figure out who's putting more into this..

Well, lets go have a good time. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

ASDFGHJKL;'

I'm losing my mind. I never have felt so....lost. This is pathetic. Obviously I'm showing that I need her a lot more than she needs me. I'm pathetic. I can't even go two days without her...

In the end...

its what you sacrafice for the one you love that makes them happy. As much as I hate not seeing you this weekend, you obviously wanted to do this if you didn't even consider anything before telling her yes. So I'll sacrifice a weekend of seeing and talking to you if it keeps that cute smile on your face. I still miss you so much though....it hurts again.

As much as I'd like to be mad right now, I just can't. I miss her too much. I need her to talk to. I need her to hold, to hug, to kiss, to just be with. And I can't do that until next weekend now. Why me? Why do these shitty things always manage to happen to me.

Well, hope you have fun babe....at least one of us will. I just wish you'd call me or talk to me at some point.

It is what it is. She wants to go enjoy her weekend without me, I'll return the favor. I bet you she was told I called and didn't even ask if she could call me. I really don't care at this point now. I'm so pissed that she wouldn't refuse this or put it off that I really have nothing to say.

UGH

That really ruined my weekend. I can't believe she would do that, without even asking me if it was okay. She just dropped seeing me like I was an old habit. Whatever. But you've been feeling more in love lately. Okay, cause everyone whos been feeling more in love just goes to someones house for the weekend.

Fuck

tumblr, and that 5,000 question survey now.

Every time...

I check craigslist I become more and more convinced that I'm never leaving here.

Wednesdayyyyy

Today was a greatttttttttttttt day. I found out I'm doing REALLY well on my Chem midterm so far, the best to be exact as of today. AP US was rather easy. I hung out with Jimmy and Tom Damian, just chilling as 3 guys. The English regents was cake. I came home, spent some time talking to Lexa baby with Skype =D. Then I spent the remainder of the evening/afternoon helping and talking with Mike. He's great to talk to, not just about Baseball. He's also one hell of a cook!

He also made me feel like I can start that letter....maybe I will tomorrow...

Alrighty then...

Tomorrow is that long awaited day. Hopefully we do something fun or even just chilling is fun.

Random but...

I wish I had someone to play baseball with. I miss it too much.

It may only be a few hours....

But I'm actually really looking forward to Wednesday.

Not much else to say on this Monday evening. I'm gonna go to bed around 10, 10:30 or so and try and sleep until about 8:30. Going to bed normal time would be stupid tonight, so I'm gonna just push things back about an hour or so.

Some people are just frustrating. It better just be the hair..

K

I pray to god that somehow I did well on Chem.

I'm really loving the book I got last night. It will really help my developement as a pitcher. I want to gain that mentality a pitcher has to have out on the mound. Its amazing what that book says. In a way, it almost dictates that a pitcher must be perfect, almost a robot when it comes to the human element of emotion. You can't let your emotion get the best of you, but yet you should harness it to benefit you. It is a confusing process, but I can't wait to untangle the rest of this book's secrets.

Shit like this....

Never surprises me. It figures when I'll need her THE MOST, shes going to her fucking AW. Whatever, its just my luck.

Heres to part II of my Chem Midterm, lets see if we can actually do well.

Grog

I hate and like rainy days. Its an excuse to be lazy, but I'm always groggy because of it.

Law Abiding Citizen was a fantastic movie. It was just great from start to finish. The ending was a tad bit thought provoking. How could he slip up that easily to fall into an easy trap when he had been executing all of his other plans with flawless precision? I guess its just another one of those fantasy movies where good wins. I will say that the guy did remind me a whole awful lot of Jigsaw with how he went about his business.

Can't wait for some food soon!

Currently Listening to: Pink Floyd - Time

.....

I feel good on this Sunday morning. Going to watch a movie or two with Vin. Go to the buffet later with Mom, Justin, and Jose for dinner. Then relax and wind down for this week to come.

Lately I've been listening to a lot of Death Magnetic stuff. I don't know, it just seems to fit how I've been feeling. That desire to be really high up there, but still feel that slight down feeling. Its wierd how much of a connection I've developed with music I've been listening to for just a year.

"What don't kill ya makes ya more strong."

Luck...Runs....Out

A dense, morbid feeling fills the air on this Saturday evening. Life isn't fair has reared its ugly head once again. It really does suck when you want to find a solution, but every solution is flawed, filled with holes like a slice of swiss. Every action is supposed to have a reaction, not two thousand. What can any of us do? What hope can any of us have?

Sometimes you can avoid these feelings, replace them with happiness that takes away that morbid feeling. But I guess today was one of those days where it just wasn't going to go away. Nothing any of us can do will solve these problems. And unfortunately, the people that its put on to find these solutions don't deserve it. It shouldn't be up to her. She has enough on her plate. She is doing her best to make life better for us, and is doing such hard work for it all that sometimes I wish it would be appropriate to just give her a pat on the back. It shouldn't be up to the other her either. Why can't parents just be parents? Why does every possible action have six different things stopping it from happening? Why is the world truly a place, that evil always wins?

I am glad I have my bracelet however. It's my symbol that you always are with me no matter what. You were right, today was going to be different. I felt like we actually appreciated each other today. We actually felt like, hey, we're tremendously in love. I'm glad, we should feel that way all the time. Sometimes if you bring about the positives, all the negatives just go away. I don't give a fuck what anyone says, our love is, can, and will conquer all. Nothing is going to stop us. NOTHING.

"Still you run, what's to come? What's to be? Cause we hunt you down without mercy. Hunt you down all nightmare long."

Battery

As I sit here finishing off the last of what was extremely excellent chili, I look at how next week is going to pan out. Monday, just like always, start off with Chem. If the part II's are anything like the part I's, I may actually do really well. Then we have some Engish review, nothing big. And finally Sport's Marketing...lol. Tuesday I get to sleep in before taking Day I of the English regents. Wednesday is AP US, followed by some long delayed time with my bestfriend, followed by the last of the English regents. Thursday just Spanish. Friday I get to catch some extra sleep, then do some Pre-Calc and Psych.

All this talk about Driver's Ed really makes me feel urgent about getting my permit. I can't go into college with a junior liscense. I have to get to my mom with that and get that permit already.

Finally, I can see you tomorrow. I've missed your physical being too much. Still can't wait to hold that gorgeous body, and kiss those beautiful lips.

Yum

I'm really kind of disappointed. All that studying...for a 77. I don't know what the curve is yet, but I'm half and half on the grade. I did really well on the part II's, but I bombed the multiple choice. And ironically enough, it was the stuff I had been studying that got me. I guess I either a) have test anxiety, or b) am really having trouble comprehending this shit. Even worse, I have my midterm multiple choice tomorrow. Thats going to be what we've done for the past 5 months put into one big pile of shit. I'm really nervous. I hate the fact that, when we're actually learning the stuff, I'm really getting it. But when we get the test, its nothing like what we've learned. It almost feels inconsistent.

Other then that, I'm feeling pretty good. I am so badly missing seeing her right now that its almost hurting. I haven't physically touched her since January 9th. Haven't hugged that gorgeous body, kiss those precious lips on that perfect face. I really miss her :(.

This chili is fucking excellent by the way!

RAWR

I have no creative ebb and flow this evening. I'm kind of just "here" this evening. Not really up, not really down. Just sitting at that even mid-point.

I hope I did well on Chemistry today. I felt I did. Tomorrow are the part one's. I think those will be slightly easier than what we had today. I'll be really upset if I don't do well.

I WANT TO HAVE THOUGHTS!

Yawn

Today was a rather relaxed day. I got to just sit there. No interuptions. No making dinner. No having to run all around. I just got to sit down, and study for AP Chem. Tea is also rather relaxing. I wish I could have days like this more often...

Currently Listening to: A peaceful sound of a chorus of sounds around me.

Before I go to bed, I just wanted to say..

I just can't stop thinking about you. Its one of those nights, where I would kill to just, lay with you and watch you fall asleep, smiling as I hold you and stroke your hair. You're just so special to me, that I can't help but feel this way. I really love her, so goddamn much, that words sometimes just don't cut how I feel.

Gay

Sometimes I wish things were worse so she didn't have to feel this way. I hate it whenever something goes right for me I can never truly enjoy it. Whither its something else going wrong, or it coming at anothers expense. I just can never truly enjoy things looking up.

I'm excited

This guitar stuff is going to rock! The shackles are off, and I am allowed to tackle and break down whatever song is possible. I have a few in mind already.
-Seek and Destroy
-Nothing Else Matters
-Enter Sandman
-Through the Never
-For Whom the Bell Tolls
-Orion
-Welcome Home(Sanitarium)
Probably none are possible until I gain more finger speed, they are just something to look forward too. I'm just really excited, like a little kid getting that GIGANTIC box on Christmas and can't wait to open it.

Regardless of what happen today, still stronger then ever. Forever trust in who we are....no nothing else matters <3.

Today, is gonna be the day, that they're gonna throw it back to you

Despite feeling like death for a majority of the day, I feel pretty good. I'm functioning again(thank god), so I can write. I hate my eyes sometimes, I really do. I wish you didn't need them to see.

I can't wait for my new bracelet tomorrow. It's a symbol that I always keep with me. Although some people just see a handmade bracelet made by Lexa, I see love. I see a symbol of loving and care and the presence of her no matter where I am. God I love her so much, I really do. If I feel better tomorrow, I may just have to hold her extra :).

I think I'm going to play Wii with Justin after dinner. I felt bad that when I finally played with him last night, he had to go to bed. He might be an ass sometimes, but he does deserve some kind of attention at least. I think he deserves at least that right?

Currently Listening to: Oasis - Wonderwall

Philly Cheese Steak

Ajenda for this day:
-Start AP US vocab. 5 Chapters in 6 days is very managable and doable.
-Get my bus schedule set up for my driver. Hopefully the English regents works out.
-Do Chem. That stuff is easy.

Nothing else really. Dinner is up to me tonight :). I have 30 dollars to spend for dinner and I honestly don't know what to get.

It is wierd how every conversation I have with Dariusz is about next year. I guess I'm just so stoked for the challenges and thrills that come with being a senior. Unless you are a retard, you only get to be a high school senior once, so its an exciting process. The teachers for next year look to be great, and all these great things are going to happen. I can't wait.

I don't have an answer for your problem. You don't have a medium because honestly, you never gave yourself an opportunity in the past to have one. You'd either be up-up-up, or down-down-down. You have to allow yourself to balance naturally. You can't force yourself to do something the body was never trained to do :/. You'll figure it out babe.

Currently Listening to: Silence and Tranquility in my house.

Ever was could be ever to see today through the never

Talked to him about an hour ago. We've never really been "extreme conversation" in these type of situations. It's usually just see how we're doing, ask about the Yankees and making sure Justin isn't being a pain in the ass.

Concerts. Not really my type of thing. I really just want to go see Metallica and that's really it. Actually, I want a time machine. I want to go see Seattle. Go see San Diego. Go back to the days where the energy that filled wherever they were playing was off the scale. People couldn't contain themselves at a Metallica concert. I mean, now, I'm still jonesing to go to one, but back in the day would have been marvelous. Who knows, hopefully they are returning to New York really soon.

I love sitting here by myself, blasting music and enjoying the alone time. I played more of Frustrated Strums today. Its sounding better everyday :/. Hopefully just 4 more days to go until a solution could be reached.

What happened to my immune system? It used to be Fort Knox. No colds or sick could get into it for more than 2 days at most. I've been lingering this cold for almost 3 weeks. Damn Lexa :p.

Currently Listening to: Metallica - Through the Never(San Diego 1992)

E D A G B e

Not much to say. My mind is a blank canvas with white paint being thrown on it. I have no thoughts would be the literal term here. I just don't have anything worth writing about currently circulating through my mind.

I'm enjoying the freedom I suppose. I'm still not estactic with this whole "engaged" thing, not one bit. I think its foolish, but what do I know? Whatever makes her happy I guess.

I'm trying my best with guitar, but I'm slowly losing hope. I don't feel I can do this without at least SOME kind of help. Anything really. I think its the motivation(speaking of Psych). Because I don't really have any acoustic songs that I like, I'm not really to motivated to play. Almost any part of a song I know is to an electric song. It doesn't match. An electric can be played as an acoustic, but an acoustic can't be played as an electric.

Currently Listening to: Thomas Bisaccio - Frustrated Strums

Lets Get It Going

So here we go. This is what I have coming up for the next, who knows:
-I have to soon assume more responsibility around here. Down a man, I'm going to have to do a little more around here and help make life as easy as possible for these two months.
-I have to help keep you sane and together until your internet is back. I'll make sure I e-mail you everyday and get you what you need for when you get to school so this way your burden isn't that hard.

It seems like a difficult thing to balance along with the other things in life, but really its nothing I can't do. I just seem to hate winter. Everytime something seems to go wrong, its usually in a winter month. Why is it this cold season brings about cold experiences and bad times. Oh well, hopefully the months leading up to spring warm up in every figurative sense of the term.

Stay strong babe, I know you can get through it <3.

Currently Listening to: Metallica - Disposable Heroes